Ok for all of you on my list that believe in prayer or passing positive vibes.....please say a good prayer and pass those vibes, for my family right now that my dad will come threw and help us with a Uhaul truck for our move to TN.

We are sooooooo desperate right not its not even funny.....just the thought of leaving things I have had for so many years behind is killing me. I am not really to worried about furniture, but our precious things, like the boys baby things I saved, well you know what I mean.

So please, please, please say a prayer for us!!!!!

Thank you!!!!! *hugzzzzz* to you all!

Sorry I havent been around to much......life has gotten to me. I am somewhat better since my last post, but not much    One of these days though, everything will fall back into place!

I hope everyone is doing well! Miss ya's!

I will try to get my butt in gear and post more often. Just hate to post negitive stuff all the time!

*hugzzzz* everyone and Happy Valentines Day!!!!

Yeah I know I am ONLY 41....but the way my brain has been working lately, that age seems old to me. I have been outta school longer then some of the folks I chat with, or that are on my journal friends list....have been alive....(god forbid) what if I only live to be in my 70's??? my age now means my life is more then half over. Yeah I know this is stupid shit...but these damn thoughts have been running rampent threw my brain the last few months.

Yep I am sure someone will say I have depression and yep to a certain extent I do.

Other things are really playing on my feelings.....one of the biggest is not knowing who I really am...I was adopted and am not allowed to know any of my family history. I dont want a mom....but I would like to know my history, so that can be passed on to my boys. A major excitment for me would be to know what nationality I am!! I know to some that may sound like a really stupid thing, but it would mean the world to me.

Here is another thing that has been driving me over the top....and yep I know you ALL will think this is totally out there.....when I drive down the road and see old dairy barns just falling apart, no more cows in the pastures. This bothers me because I know how hard those people worked on those farms...I used to be a highered hand on a farm. It just makes me so sad to see that these ppl were run outta buisness by the "mega dairys"

Another major issue I am going threw right now, is my memory.......or lack of.........OMG it's horrible. My short term memory has totally left the building! And this is bugging the shit outta my family and my friends. I am starting to hear a LOT of "you already told me this....yesterday"

WTF is wrong with me????
I got one doc saying its menopause, an other doc telling me its major deperssion and someone else telling me I just am nuts and need to mellow out. Well let me tell ya, I am so freaking mellowed out now compared to what I used to be its not even funny.

I know I need some kinda help, but damn I dont wanna have to put more damn pills in my body....I am so sick of taking meds.

These crying fits of mine are now a daily thing.........sometimes more then once a day. I am really for the first time in my totally scared! Having a gun pointed at me years ago didnt even scare me as much as what I am going threw now!

I just wish I had an answer as to what the hell is wrong with me......yeah I have always been nuts, but man I think this is now a lil to much......

Ok well guess thats enough for now.....cant see to type threw the tears.

I truely hope that each and everyone of you that read my journal have the most amazing New Year ever!!! You all only deserve the total best!!!

HUGE *hugzzzzzzz* to you all

I am still alive.....been in a really bad depression all worried bout xmas....or should I say lack of.  Had to break the news to the boys that we werent doing anything this year, because of lack of funds. Once the bills were paid, nothing was left.

I tried the places that give gifts to kids, but my kids are to old.....so thats out.

My depression is at its worst, I have never been so low in my life and its driving me more insane then I already am.

So on that note I am out.....just wanted to stop in and let ya's know I am still around....Maybe once the new year gets here I will feel better....or at least thats what I am looking forward to!

To those of you who read this, I truely wish with all my heart you have a wonderful holiday season!

*hugzzzz* to you all.

Yes we will be together, all healthy (well maybe not mentally) and got a roof over our head, and I should be as happy as a pig in shit...but.........I am at the lowest point I hav EVER been in my life! I wish I had a clue how to pull myself outta this damn hole....yeah yeah I have heard everything like, do things you like to do, blah blah blah......well right now at this point, the only thing I do, do is play solitaire and I used to HATE that game! Yes I still read you all everyday, most of ya's mean the world to me and dont know what I would do without ya's!

I am scared! I have no idea how to get over this fear! All the years I spent on the road, all the times I slept under bridges or where ever I could, I was NEVER as affraid as I am right now!

We arent having thanksgiving.....nothing to make, but at least we are together.

I stopped taking my antidepressent, because I almost think that was adding to my prob, guess I will know in a few days, when its finally all outta my system. I need to re-teach myself meditation I think....I know it helped me in the past, maybe it will again....ya just never know.

I am sorry to post such down stuff when most ppl are totally happy right now, but hey, I trust you all and I hope none of you EVER have to go threw what I am right now! I wouldnt wish this horrible feeling on my worst enemy!

So anyway......to all you wonder folks I truely from the bottom of my heart wish you the happiest thanksgiving and one of the things I am truely thankful for is having you all on my list!!!!

*hugzzzzzz* all around!

 

Nov 3rd....

Well as of this afternoon, we have no phone (or internet...thank the gods for semagic LOL)...the neighbors on either side of our lil trailer park do, so I know its just here......The landlords daughter is having her hubby make them a lil parking area and I know the dumb ass dozed the phone lines! The funny part is the landlord is gonna have to pay to have it fixed LOLOL

I have never played so much solitare in all my life as what I have played on here tonight!

Met my new shrink today....he is ok, I guess....he harped on me more about my smoking then anything else and that bugged the shit outta me...he is a shrink, not my reg doc...anyway he wants me to up my dose of lexapro, to see if it will bring me outta this depression slump I seem to be stuck in. So I guess I will give it a whirl and see what happens.

It was pretty warm outside today, not your normal novermber NY weather at all....Its gonna be a strange winter!!!

Ok I am gonna save this now and hope the phone company gets here early in the morning so I can post it.....dont know what I am gonna do with myself with no net when I first wake up LOLOL

::EDIT:: nov.8th
Well its now 5 days later and I am FINALLY back online!!!! The phone company came yesterday and hooked me up to my other neighbors number (can we say dumbass?) So I was still without net, but I could call out and I was getting calls in for ppl I never heard of LOL We didnt realize we had the wrong number hooked up till I called my cell and it showed the wrong number.....finally this morning the phone company sent someone out that knew what they were doing and we are all set............for now............Right now they have a temp line ran to the trailer ON TOP of the ground....on the ground where the pain in the ass kids from next door can get to it! So I will be totally amazed if nothing happens to the line, till they can get back here and bury it LOL

So anyway I'm back...for now.....I hope you are all well and trust me I missed reading you all soooooo much!!! *hugzzz* all around

My panic has been pretty good today, so far only two attacks!! weeeeeeeee LOL I started back on my lexapro and am trying to convince myself that, that is whats helping me!

I have cut down on my (non) decafe coffee and started back on my ice water....I am gonna miss my coffee but after finding out it still has caffine in it, I really do need to cut down on it.........wayyyyyy down.

The boys stayed over at thier friends house last night...I am kinda pissed at the father....See when kids spend the night at my house I dont MAKE them do anything around my house...I always thought staying at your friends house was for fun...So anyway...I guess the father had my boys and his son moving a pile of dirt and Matt told him flat out he wasnt doing it....the guy has the nerve to say something like "you going to be like this the rest of your life, not doing ANYTHING?" OMGGGGGGGGGGGG I am so pissed he had the nerve to say something like that to Matt. I dont want to say anything bad about his son, but I know for a fact that Matt will have no probs in life....he needs to stand back and look at his own child before he says something like that to mine!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrr some ppl piss me off LOL Matt said he will still go stay over there, but he aint doing his work for him! I dont blame him either.

Yep this time change sucks, its only 5:15pm and its dark Winter used to be my fav season, but living in this place, I am not looking forward to it. Maybe it will pass fast this year....yeah right LOL I can see it now, I know we will get those wonderful 6 foot snow drifts. I really do think its gonna be one of them totally crazy winters.....the postive of it, is the beautiful pics I will get of the hill side after the fresh snow falls!!

Well I gotta go get the boys school clothes in the dryer, hope you all had a wonderful weekend and have an even better week

My damn panic disorder is driving me even more insane, if that is possible! Cant get in to see a doc till next month and I have no clues anymore what the hell to do! I am having a ton of attacks again everyday, even with the meds! It could very well be, because its that time of the month, but I just dont know and I am totally sick of it!I cant go back to my old shrink because he is in another county....told rick today I may just lie and go get a po box in that county just so i can do there, but I would prolly get busted with by my medicaid! DAMN! I want to be semi-normal again!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

If anyone is actually reading this, do you have any clue where, online, I could find and download some of that, oh hell what do they call it...um...relaxation stuff...you know where you lay down listen to them, soft music in the background while they are telling you to (and how) to relax??? ANYONE??? HELP!!!! I need it bad!!!!

We got hit with a major WINTER storm...we got about a foot of snow, and then lost power! Man ya gotta love living in the sticks where it takes them 18 hours to find out where the problem is! Thank the gods we have the kero-heaters!
Ok that should just about cover it......
*goes back to pulling her hair out*

Hope everyone is doing well

I feel semi-normal again! Man its been wild for me lately. Sleeping all night and half the days....I havent felt this human in a very long time. Just wish I knew what happened to me the last month!

Last week was the worst...i didnt wash a dish all week...finally started them today....man what a mess in my kitchen, but its looking better!!!!! I did nothing but sleeeeeeep!

I had to go to the dentist yesterday, got another filling...happy happy joy joy......then Rick and I went for a ride....omg even though it was raining, it was still beautiful, here have a peek.....

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/mysticalhippie/PICT0292.jpg">

NY is so beautiful in the fall...well upstate that is. Actually its beauitful year round, yep...even with the snow.
For the first time in my life I am NOT looking forward to winter. My poor old body has gone threw some major change and the cold just doesnt suit me anymore....and I miss it!

I have to take Rickey to have his stiches taken out today, not sure he is to happy about it, but I decided to do my hair and put some makeup on....its been ages since I have done that! I hope this frame of mind I am in right now sticks around for a while, I think I like it

I hope you all have a totally wonderful day!!!!!